


look in the mirror, i love that boy

by bernardtrigger



Category: Black Monday (TV)
Genre: Basically just a dive into Blair’s personality and feelings, Blair doesn’t understand himself, Complicated Relationships, Gen, I haven’t uploaded a fic since 2017 ope, Trans!Blair, sex mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23365399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bernardtrigger/pseuds/bernardtrigger
Summary: There’s a piece of Blair’s heart that has no idea what he really wants.-A dive into Blair’s thoughts and feelings.
Relationships: Implied Blair/Harris
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	look in the mirror, i love that boy

There’s a piece of Blair’s heart that has no idea what he really wants. Of course, his brain knew. He had what he wanted. Power, no doubts about his sexuality or gender thanks to Tiff, and a sexy side piece. What _else_ could he want? He was constantly wondering that, as he did his press and he wandered the apartment or office mindlessly. Dawn would ask what was up, tell him to sit the hell down and stop fucking pacing before she goes insane, but there was something eating at him and he couldn’t think straight. Pacing was _truly_ his only option.

Despite his appearance, his confidence, his figures in the economy, Blair Pfaff was still exactly that. Blair Pfaff. He had the ability to manipulate, and take advantage, but he always had. Black Monday happened for a reason of course, and it couldn’t have happened without that side of him. But, you don’t just lose your main personality in a day, no matter how hard you try and present it as so. He sat at the end of his bed, chewing his nails, letting out a loud sigh through his nose. 

He ran his hand down his face, rubbing his eyes. He again, went through the folders in his mind, trying to pinpoint where his feelings went awry. There was always a point where he’d stop at Harris, almost like he was forced to pause, before forcing himself through. He always wondered where that would lead if he let himself stop there for a while. Would it just be thoughts of his physical form, or was this the thing nagging at him?

Blair laid back on his bed, folding his hands on his chest. He knew he was gay. He knew Harris knew he was trans. He knew Harris still wanted to have sex despite knowing he was a guy without a penis. Harris still wanted to have sex despite knowing he’s a _guy_ . That was the basics of the situation, a runthrough, nearly completely pointless because Blair _knew_ all this already. He didn’t need a reminder.

The more he thought, the further he dug into himself. Slowly, unearthing the lost piece of his own heart. Focusing in on just how gentle Harris’ could really be, softly caressing his cheek in the mornings, shared tired smiles post whatever they decided to do that night. His throat choked up, thinking of everything he used to tell himself with Tiff. Blair Pfaff wanted _love_. Deep, genuine, love - not just sex or faking it for the cameras.

Blair Pfaff wasn’t allowed to have that. He had already taken too much, even doing what he was doing now with Harris was crossing too many boundaries, putting them both at risk. He dug his hands into his eyes, letting out a groan, before whining softly. He wanted him to hold him, he wanted to tell him he had some sort of more than sex feelings, he wanted to know he felt the same and he’d risk it all for him.

But Harris was a fucking republican congressman. That would never happen, especially not for someone like Blair. God _damn_ it! Black Monday was supposed to be his peak not his gay yearning story that would only end in heartbreak. He sighed, hearing the sound indicating a message, forcing himself to sit up to look at it easier. Harris. Sex. Right.

He rubbed his hands on his pants, shaking his head. Love did NOT mean he couldn’t still enjoy himself. Blair Pfaff might have not changed personality wise, but that doesn’t mean he still had to limit himself to what the old Pfaff would. Besides, this was his peak, he can do whatever the hell he wants and fill his heart with enough money to drown everything else out. Just like everyone else. 

**_What could go wrong!_ **

**Author's Note:**

> ;; thank you to my twitter friends for validation. i hope this does my boy justice. 
> 
> find me on twitter @/mcpriiceley and tumblr @/allinquestion!


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